Born in Kent, Mark Steel, 64, began his radio career in 1992 with the satirical show The Mark Steel Solution. From 1999 to 2002, he presented The Mark Steel Lectures on Radio 4, which was nominated for a Bafta when it transferred to television. He has made 13 series of Mark Steel’s in Town for Radio 4, and his podcast is What the F*** Is Going On?. On 12 February, he begins a tour of The Leopard in My House and publishes an accompanying book. He lives in London and has two children. His partner is the comedian Shaparak Khorsandi.

What is your earliest memory?
When I was three years old, my mum and dad took the budgie cage out into the garden to clean it and I thought: “I’m going to open the door to see what happens.” Obviously what happened was the budgie flew out of the cage. I remember thinking: “Blimey, I’ve gone and done it now”, which sort of set the tone for the rest of my life.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
I’m so tempted to answer serial killer.

What was your most embarrassing moment?
When I was 16, my dad got drunk at the Oval cricket ground and harangued Sir Garry Sobers, possibly the greatest cricketer of all time, because he didn’t agree with who he’d given as man of the match.

Describe yourself in three words
Should talk less.

What would your superpower be?
To be able to find things in shops.

What makes you unhappy?
Filling in forms.

Who would play you in the film of your life?
Jennifer Lawrence.

What is your most unappealing habit?
Firing a cannon from my bedroom window.

What scares you about getting older?
Younger people being amazed that I know what song they’re listening to.

Who is your celebrity crush?
Andy Murray.

Would you choose fame or anonymity?
Fame, definitely. Don’t believe a single comic who ever says anything else.

What was the last lie that you told?
“No bag” – to the self-service checkout.

What is your guiltiest pleasure?
Going on a quiz website called Sporcle when I’m supposed to be working.

What do you owe your parents?
The phrase “Oh my giddy aunt”.

To whom would you most like to say sorry and why?
My kids. I think if you don’t want to say sorry to your kids you’ve been an appalling parent.

What does love feel like?
Right now, like I have no intention of going anywhere else.

What has been your biggest disappointment?
At 16, I thought I’d be part of transforming the world into a socialist egalitarian arena of peace and justice. I’m not sure we’ve quite managed it.

How often do you have sex?
Not since just before this interview started, so I’m starting to get fidgety.

What is the closest you’ve ever come to death?
When I had cancer. I was having a shave and thought: “Are you meant to have a big hard lump on one side of your neck?”

What has been your closest brush with the law?
At 18, I was arrested in Grimsby for sleeping in a man’s shed. The police arrived and I said: “I’ve just hitchhiked to Grimsby because I fancied seeing it.” Not surprisingly, they didn’t believe me.

How would you like to be remembered?
Through a series of mistakes in write-ups, I’d like to be remembered for something like being Britain’s finest downhill skier or inventing pickled onions.