Only one out of six of these got the Vita seal of approval (Image: Vita Molyneux)
Although I’m a recent convert to tea since moving to England last year, I have always loved a biscuit.
However, having grown up in New Zealand as more of a coffee lover, I have never really gotten into the cultural tradition of dunking biscuits into my beverage.
However, since uprooting my life and moving across the world I’ve made it my journalistic ambition to explore as many British snacks and experiences as I can in search of my own personal cultural awakening. So far I’ve tried English breakfasts and Wetherspoons as well as crisps, chocolate and sweets – all with varying degrees of success.
Today, the mission was biscuits and in honour of the great British tradition I added a new element to my usual taste-test rubric of smell, texture and taste. In these six different biscuits, dunkability was also a factor.
Below are my honest opinions on these British classics – and how they pair with a cuppa.
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The full taste test lineup (Image: Vita Molyneux)
Custard creams
The smell of these cute little biscuits put me at ease immediately – a gentle scent of vanilla body wash and ice cream drifted towards me and I breathed a sigh of relief. It’s nice to start off easy with these things.
However, the texture of the custard cream was nothing short of grim. It reminded me of polystyrene packing cubes, or perhaps dry wall that had been left in the rain and become dampwall. The cream offers very little respite from the grittiness of the biscuit because it, too, is gritty.
The taste is inoffensive, nice and mild – I imagine these would make a great treat for your nan.
When it comes to dunkability, I was absolutely horrified. After dunking and chewing the whole biscuit dissolved in my mouth leaving nothing but the texture of wet bread in a plug hole to haunt me – it made my toes curl and it was all I could do to choke it down.
The texture was so repulsive that I had no option but to give custard creams a 3/10.
Rich Tea
The first point deducted from these nondescript biscuits was because the very first one was broken and showered me in crumbs. The second point off was their absolute lack of any defining characteristics, including smell.
I don’t know what I was expecting from the taste of a Rich Tea, given their blank slate so far but somehow I was still surprised when there was absolutely no flavour at all. You could eat these with blue cheese or buttercream icing and it wouldn’t matter – they simply are not there.
The texture was almost too crisp. I felt a quick dunk might improve matters but, oh, how wrong I was. If the custard cream was bad, this was horrific. It liquified immediately and I had to slurp it down to stop dribbling.
It’s hard to rate something with so few defining characteristics so I have no option but to go right down the middle with a 5/10.
Wagon Wheels failed to impress me (Image: Vita Molyneux)
Jaffa Cakes
The smell of these was incredible – rich and dark and reminiscent of Christmas. There was almost a bitterness that added depth, with a hint of the orange peeking through. I don’t normally go for orange chocolate but this was promising.
But promises are made to be broken, and the texture of Jaffa Cakes broke me. It was the most bizarre of anything I’ve eaten – somehow wet and dry, like the forgotten sponge at the bottom of a uni flat’s sink. Dunking made it worse – now it was a remembered sponge, sodden and stinking.
However, through all these trials and tribulations, the taste was actually pretty good. The orange didn’t taste cheap or chemically and the chocolate compliments it well. The texture really is dreadful though, so they have to get a 3/10.
Viennese
Now we are truly cooking with gas. The smell of these was fleeting but delicious – a buttery shortbread that quickly faded but whispered of delicious things to come.
The texture was another solid win – buttery richness with a lovely soft crunch and creamy chocolate with just enough bite to it – Viennese were winning me over, but it was time for the dreaded dunk, which at this point I was scared of.
To my joy, the biscuit held up to the dunking! In fact, it was improved by it. Not only did the structural integrity of the Viennese remain, but the heat of my tea melted the chocolate slightly and made it even better.
Viennese get a 15/10 and I ate four more after the taste test was done.
The Viennese was so good that I had four more after the taste test – all dunked in tea (Image: Vita Molyneux)
Wagon Wheels
Individual wrapping means a deducted point, but I held out hope for these because I have heard of them, and aware they are a British classic.
The smell was similar to the Jaffa Cake, but a pale imitation. The smell had nowhere near the richness or depth and smelled cheap.
The texture was shocking too – like wet cardboard, or stale bread. There was no crunch and the chocolate left my fingers sticky. Dunking it made no difference at all – it tasted just as stale while dripping with tea. The taste overall was non-descript. There was no hint of the jam, or the mysterious white goo inside the wagon wheel – just cheap synthetic chocolate and sadness.
Wagon Wheels get a 2/10 – and I didn’t even finish it.
Tunnock Tea Cakes
Also individually wrapped, so that’s another lost point, but these looked slightly more charming. Once released from their carnival-esque wrappers, these biscuits smelled like real chocolate – rich and creamy, with a subtle milky undertone.
The texture was a shock however – my teeth glided straight through the presumably marshmallow filling and down to the stale biscuit beneath. Is it cream, is it marshmallow or is it simply a dream of the two?
When dunked, the biscuit lost all structural integrity and covered my fingers in marshmallow creamy sugar. It fell apart and dripped chocolate all through my brew and on top of all this, it didn’t even taste particularly good.
3/10.
