Put the time in
There is no getting around it, you have to make time to be a good friend. According to Robin Dunbar, professor of evolutionary psychology at the University of Oxford and author of Friends: Understanding the Power of our Most Important Relationships, we need to spend the equivalent of nine minutes a day to maintain a healthy relationship with our closest network of friends, which he admits is âbarely time to raise your coffee cup to each otherâ, so one meet-up a week is more realistic. If you fail to do that, âthe friendship starts to decayâ, says Dunbar.
Be the initiator
Donât be afraid to take the lead in your social life, says Max Dickins, author of Billy No-Mates: How I Realised Men Have a Friendship Problem. âBe the one who sends the texts, organises the pub meet-up, that gets people together for someoneâs birthday. It takes effort and intention, but it goes a long way.â For male relationships, he says, it is particularly important that someone takes on this role: âWhen life is busy, and youâve got bums to wipe if youâre a parent or a super-busy career, you need the pegs in place to keep the whole social tent up.â
âRevitalising an old friendship is all about picking up the phone and saying, âDo you fancy going for a ramble in the hills or dinner somewhere?ââ says Dunbar. âSome semi-social activity that provides the opportunity to engage in conversation to reboot it.â
Communication is key
If someone is flaky or not pulling their weight in your friendship, tell them, says Dickins. âYour friend may lack the self-awareness to know that they are not putting in their fair share, or they may not be aware that youâre hurt or irritated by it.â This is easier said than done, as most of us donât communicate very honestly in friendships.
âWe donât take friendships as seriously as romantic relationships, and we donât have the same scripts,â says Dickins. He shares the story of a friend who he was meant to meet up with at the weekend. Dickins sent a text asking if they were still on but his friend didnât reply until Monday. âI had to say to him, âThis is the third time in a row youâve cancelled and itâs pretty frustratingâ.â
His friend was fairly mortified. So make sure âYou approach these conversations in a non-blaming way,â says clinical psychologist Miriam Kirmayer. âUse it as an opportunity to reiterate your desire to stay connected and your willingness to make it work.â She suggests saying something like: âIâve noticed weâre spending less time together/not chatting as often. Is this something youâve noticed as well? Iâm bringing this up because our friendship is something I really care about. Can we talk about this and what might be going on?â
Kirmayer has seen the benefits of such openness. âOne of the themes I see is that friendships where both people prioritise open, transparent communication â like we often do in our romantic relationships â not only have the best chance of surviving, but they are often the closest and most fulfilling.â
Find regular activities to do together
âFor some people, especially as we age and become busy, friendship carries high expectations,â says Sheila Liming, an academic and author of Hanging Out: The Radical Power of Killing Time. âThat is where we run into trouble, when we feel like the time that we spend with someone else ends up not being worth it.â To avoid this, Liming advises creating âsmall rituals or frequent interactions with friends, so that those interactions donât carry that burden or expectation that everything has to be perfect.â For her, this involves popping to friendsâ houses for a cuppa and a catch-up, and signalling that she is always open to this too.
Nina Badzin, host of the Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship podcast, recommends taking up a regular pastime with your pals: âThere is a reason everyone is playing pickleball. So much of the work of staying close is about time spent together â and scheduling that time is challenging. If you have something that already exists on the calendar, a big portion of whatâs hard about staying connected is already done for you.â Dunbar points to research on joining a choir being particularly positive for friends, as singing together causes a greater endorphin release. The same goes for running together.
Give people a second chance
âFriendships can come with a lot of discomfort,â says Liming. âThe more you practise building your relationships, the more stamina you build up for working on the ones that have become a little difficult. One of my big mantras is to give it a second chance. And a third, fourth, fifth and sixth chance too, because sometimes that is what friendship requires. Someone might be having a bad day, or going through a tough time. Or we feel like weâre being neglected by someone who we thought was a close friend. One of the best things you can do is signal that youâre still around for someone and wait until theyâre in a better place.â
It is only human says Susan Shapiro Barash, author of Toxic Friends: The Antidote for Women Stuck in Complicated Friendships, to âlament a lost or broken friendship. There are instances where someone will reconnect with an old friend and the friendship comes to life again. However, this only happens if there is forgiveness and the two friends are able to move past whatever the incident was that ended their relationship. If tension is still brewing, there is less opportunity to go forward.â
Meet IRL (and touch)
âDonât turn your real-life friend into an online friend,â says Badzin. Friendship maintenance should ideally take place in person. Make the effort to visit when possible. âLong-distance friends should try to get a trip on the calendar or a visit to one of the friendâs homes,â she says.
âThere is a face-to-face premium,â says Dunbar. âTechnology helps to keep friendships going, but there is nothing like being across the table, staring into the other personâs eyes, and making physical contact with them.â This is the basis of all primate social relationships, he says, and happens constantly during conversations. âThe amount of body surface it is permissible to touch during interactions is directly correlated with the emotional closeness of the relationship.â
Pick up the phone
Long-distance friendships are particularly prone to going stale. âIf you are long-distance friends, you still need to shake up the way you stay in touch,â Badzin says. âPick up the phone and talk while youâre each running errands. Set up an appointment for a FaceTime call. It doesnât sound exciting or spontaneous, but if the friendship feels stale, itâs usually because too much time passes on a regular basis between quality time together, which keeps you stuck in the same catch-up conversation.â
âVoice notes can be useful for a quick update but they shouldnât be relied upon,â adds Badzin. âWhen overused in place of a call, there can be an endlessness to voice notes that doesnât scratch the itch in the way a deeper conversation can.â
Schedule a date night
âBring a sense of romance into your friendships by going on a regular friend date,â says relationship coach Vicki Pavitt. âYou could take turns to woo each other and think about ways to make your dates special, like dressing-up, choosing a different restaurant every time, or attending art galleries together. Turn your dates into a celebration of each other and your friendship.
It is important to carve out time to create new memories,â Kirmayer says. âwhether itâs trying out new activities, exploring unfamiliar places, or planning a getaway or festival together. Our friendships thrive with newness and benefit from shared feelings of excitement and novelty.â
Acknowledge that relationships change
The longest friendships will experience great shifts and changes over the course of each personâs life, so it is important to accept that they will evolve too.
âThere may be moments when we feel a little more distant, and others where we feel incredibly close,â Kirmayer says. âIt is important, then, to let go of all-or-nothing thinking. A friendship can still be worth holding on to when it no longer resembles its initial form.â
Recognise when youâve grown apart
âWhen a friendship goes stale, it helps to ask yourself what kind of friendship it was,â says Lydia Denworth, author of Friendship: The Evolution, Biology and Extraordinary Power of Lifeâs Fundamental Bond.
âNot everyone will be a friend for life and thatâs OK,â Denworth says. âPeople change, they grow apart, they lose that thing that bound them together. There are friends that sustain us and friends that drain us. Be honest with yourself about that and look to keep the people who sustain you.â